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David: Hello everyone and welcome to Wednesday WarZone from the beautiful Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada! I'm David Tanjic and with me is, as always, Travis Best!
Travis: I'm simply the Best, baby!
David: With an ego like that, it's a wonder you're still alive!
Travis: Oh, go shove it down a sinkhole!
David: I hear tell Malice is going to be here tonight...
Travis: Ooh! My Dark Angel!
David: You're impossible.
Travis: Gotta love me!
David: No, I don't!
Edinburgh Pub Match
Celtic Hyena vs Klaus von Hammer
David: We’ve got a match, now, between Celtic Hyena and Klaus Von Hammer in the first ever Edinburgh Pub match.
Travis: Well, whoever made this match obviously doesn’t like Klaus that much.
David: Why do you say that?
Travis: Because, think about it. Hyena’s an Irishman! Sobriety is a myth to them! They come out of the womb drunk off their feet!
David: Ah. The all-powerful Travis Best logic. More holes in it than Swiss cheese. Due to where the match is starting, the entrances normally used are going to be removed.
((The HWC-Tron fades in on the sight of Celtic and Klaus in a crowded bar, the other patrons back far enough to be out of range, but still close enough to see the action. In either man’s left hand is a pint of Guinness Stout, a pool cue in their right. Celtic holds his stick as though he were going to shoot a round of pool, Klaus holding his upside down, the weighted end up.))
Travis: Klaus’s been hit in the head too much! He’s holding the stick wrong!
David: You can’t really say that, Travis. Klaus is a brawler. This may be a trick he picked up back in the day.
((Celtic swings, missing Klaus only by his last moment dodge, Klaus taking a large mouthful of the beer in his hand, then jabbing Celtic with the weighted end. Celtic steps back, Klaus still drinking. Celtic takes a minute to do likewise, both men stopping the brawl itself in favor of drinking. The other patrons begin to get noisy at the prospect of two men dropping in a drunken haze before a real brawl. Klaus, finishing first, puts the glass mug on the pool table to his left, smashing Hyena with the weighted end, in the midsection, in an attempt to get Hyena to spit-take his beer all over.))
David: Klaus playing a bit dirty, here.
Travis: Klaus is a dirty commie!
David: Have you been drinking, Travis?
Travis: Lil bit. Helps get in the right mindset for the match.
David: You’re not in the match, you dolt! You’re just commenting!
Travis: Oh yeah. Forgot about that.
David: Someone get Travis some coffee out here.
((Hyena grunts, and curves around the stick, but doesn’t let any of it fall. A kick to Klaus’s midsection, then head, and Klaus stumbles backward. Hyena finishes the pint, then, using his pool cue as a guard, steps in close, smashing the mug over Klaus’ head. Klaus, in the process of shaking off the move, looks up, at Hyena, shocking pretty much everyone by both enduring the mug shot unfazed, and cracking the weighted end of the pool cue alongside Hyena’s head, hard enough to drop him, but not hard enough to break the pool cue, then spinning the stick. As Hyena gets up, Klaus catches him with a hard jab, with the thinner end of the stick, grabbing Hyena, and slamming him, headfirst, into the hard slate of the pool table. Wrapping the pool cue around Hyena’s throat, Klaus hits a Russian legsweep.))
Travis: HAH! A Russian legsweep from a German!
David: Travis, what do you have in that thermos?
Travis: Water!
David(Taking a taste test.): Yeah. Water with bubbles and alcohol.
Travis: HEY! Just because you don’t want to get into the right frame of mind doesn’t mean I can’t!
David: No, but the fact that you’re getting drunk on the job, and on a live mic might.
Travis: Oh yeah. Forgot about that.
David: Where’s that coffee?!
((Moving to Hyena’s right, and pulling him up to a seated position, Klaus rears back, cracking Hyena across the throat with the weighted end of the pool stick, the stick snapping in half quickly. Discarding the broken stick, Klaus drops for the pin. 1. . . 2. . . . kickout. Before Klaus can react, Hyena wraps his left hand in Klaus’ hair, rearing back, and rifling off several hard punches, moving to a seated position, continuing to meet Klaus’ face with his right hand. Hyena stops, and appears to be catching his breath, only to headbutt Klaus with enough force to drop Klaus to his back. Hyena stands up, looking around, his eyes settling on a rather unconventional weapon.))
David: HOLY SHIT! Hyena just hit Klaus with, of all things, a drunken bar patron!! That’ll sober up anyone!
Travis: Nah, he probably can’t feel anything. Too drunk.
David: Klaus?
Travis: No, the bar patron.
((Hyena pulls Klaus to his feet, picking him up, onto his shoulder, and driving him, headfirst, into the glass light above the pool table, then bodyslamming him onto the pool table. Hyena climbs onto the pool table, jumping into the air, and hitting a body splash onto Klaus. The referee begins the count. 1. . . . 2. . . . Kickout with authority, sending Hyena both off of the pool table, and into the row of bar stools.))
David: It’s not over yet! Klaus is back up!
Travis: Waitress? Waitress!? See, this is why I hate this restaurant. Bad service.
David: This isn’t a restaurant, you jackass! This is the HWC!
Travis: Oh yeah. Hey stagehand. Go get me something to drink!
((Hyena quickly gets to his feet, in time to catch a double axehandle to the face from the already airborne Klaus. Hyena takes the hit, staggering backward, and falling back, over the bartop. Klaus pursues, Hyena popping up, and spraying Klaus with beer from the tap spigot. Klaus attempts to block, moving back until he’s out of reach, Hyena smiling, turning the spigot toward him, and spraying it into his mouth, then vaulting over the top of the bar, kicking Klaus in the midsection, then spewing the beer in his mouth into Klaus’ face. Klaus begins wiping his eyes, Hyena wrapping his hand around Klaus’ throat, hoisting him into the air, moving his left foot for better support, his foot falling into the fresh puddle of beer on the floor. Hyena’s feet slip out from under him, Hyena’s head crashing off the pool table. Hyena hits as hard as Klaus does, both men laying motionless for several moments.))
David: Both men appear to be unconscious. It’ll be interesting to see if either man can get to their feet with enough energy left to pin the other.
Travis: (Snoring.)
David: And the commentary has just jumped about eighteen hundred points.
((Klaus begins to show signs of life, getting to a near seated position, and looking around. Klaus drapes an arm over Hyena, the referee counting. 1. . . 2. . . .3!!!))
David: Someone get Hyena some help there. A great showing by the young man, but, in the end, it was a mistake made by Hyena himself that cost him the match.
((Hyena, surprisingly, begins to stir, Klaus looking down at him, and extending a hand. Hyena takes it, after a moment, Klaus pulling him to his feet. Klaus looks calmly at Hyena for a few moments, then walks from the bar.)
David: Klaus may be a very violent person, but he does respect people that can put up a good fight, as has been evidenced over the past. Irregardless, a hard fought match, this win giving Klaus his first singles win in the HWC. Travis, wake up. We’ve got more matches to call tonight!
Travis: Wha? Five more minutes, mommy. (The sound of someone being hit is heard on the announce mics.) Ow! David, why’re you hitting me?!
David: You were drunk, and sleeping! We’ll be back after this, ladies and gentlemen.
((The light's in the arena go out as the HWC-Tron comes to life, the words HWC Jackass pained across the screen in what looks like blood. Camera opens up on the masked face of Lurker with a lake behind him. The camera pans lower showing Tank standing next to Lurker looking even smaller compared to this giant.))
Tank: This is Lurker and I'm Tank, and this is Lawn Dark, or better known as (groans and rolls his eyes) Dwarf Tossing!
((Lurker reaches does and grabs Tank by the arm and the leg. Tank grumbles before Lurker starts swinging him in a giants swing move spinning a few times before chucking the body of Tank out in the air. With a soft cry of mix joy and terror Tank flies out at least 25 feet before his body connects with the water of the lake. Lurker turns and walks off not even caring if he came back up for air. The camera looks over the water seeing Tanks head pop up as him spitting out water looking like a drowned long haired rat.))
Strap Match
Bull vs The Icon
David: Welcome back folks. If you just tuned in we're here live in Calgary Alberta at the sold out Saddledome!
Travis: I don't know why! I haven't seen anything of interest to me yet!
David: I think you will! I spotted Malice here tonight...
Travis: Oh my god! My dark angel! My dark little one...She is the woman of my dreams David!
David: I thought any woman was the one from your dreams!
Travis: Yeah, but this one is different...Pain is pleasure with her you know...So I wonder if she would...
David: Don't even finish that sentence!
Travis: What? You're no fun! I thought you were cool?
David: Yeah...Anyway on to our next match...A Strap Match between Bull and the Icon!
((The arena goes dark, children playing games can be heard, then one girls voice becomes louder and louder, "One, Two, he's coming for you. Three, Four, he's gonna hurt you all." An evil voice then starts. "YOU WILL REMEMBER HIM!!" After a couple of seconds a wall of pyros shoot up in front of the ring entrance lasting for a couple of seconds. As they die down "Panorama Of Endtimes" starts, showing The ICON standing on the ramp looking from side to side at the crowd with no emotion on his face. The lights come up and he then slowly walks down the ramp and slides into the ring.))
Jean Fortello: Making his way to the ring at this time weighing in 275 lbs, hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, The Icon!
Travis: What a loser! How long has he been here?
David: A while I guess...But he has tried his best to keep himself in the game here...
Travis: He was the reason I lost good money Davey!
David: How many times have I told you not to call me Davey?
Travis: I'm not sure there Davey!
David: I want to kill you, but I can't!
Travis: You love me!
((The arena goes dark and and a single spot light hits the stage and lighting stricks the stage and the whole time time all this is going on all that can be herd is breathing then a second Lighting bolt hit the stage and Hero of the day begins and the spot light shines on a man standing with his head down and a women right behind looking and smileing at the man then the 2 walk towards the ring and as they walk the lady ways a red flag in front of the man with seem to be making his angre the 2 walk up the steps and get into the ring as the lady runns around the ring as the man charges at the red flag and they continue to do this till the opp comesut to ring.))
Jean Fortello: And his opponent weighing in at 286 lbs, from Bendigo, Australia, accompanied by Natasha, Bull!
Travis: Another loser that has a sweet looking little girl on their arm!
David: I wouldn't say that to loud Travis...
Travis: What's he going to do to me? Head butt me?
David: I hope so...
((Bull and Icon are attatched by a leather strap and they look at each other taking in each other's size and looking for a weakness. The bell sounds as Bull takes the upper hand and puts Icon down with a suplex. Icon hits the mat hard as Bull goes to his knees. Bull is the first to get to his feet, and heads for the first ring post, dragging Icon behind him. Icon gets to his feet and pulls Bull back just as he goes to touch the ring post. He kicks Bull in the midsection and goes for a hip toss. Bull hits the mat and Icon drags Bull to the corner and touches the ring post.))
Travis: Alright...That's one for Icon...
David: Wait a minute! Who are you cheering for here tonight Travis?
Travis: I don't care who wins...They both suck!
David: Don't tell me you bet on both of them...
Travis: Ok...I won't tell you I bet on both of them!
David: God give me strength...
((Bull gets to his feet and kicks Icon in the face sending him to the mat and Bull to his knees once more. He drags Icon to the corner and touches one of the ringposts. It's now 1-1...One of them has to get the other three touched to win this match. Bull goes for another touch and gets it. Natasha is cheering from the outside as Bull goes for the third, only to be stopped by Icon's hand wrapped around Bulls leg. He hits Bull in the back of the knee sending him to the mat again. Icon goes for the figure 4 leglock as the ref comes over to them telling Icon to let Bull go. He does and Icon starts to drag Bull over to another corner touching another ring post.))
David: It's now 2-2 folks...It's getting close...
Travis: It's also getting boring...
David: You just want to see Malice don't you?
Travis: Damn right...Maybe I can join her tea party...
David: I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into there Travis...
Travis: I wouldn't mind...
David: Figures...
((Icon kicks Bull in the ribs a few times making sure he'll stay down. Icon touches the third ring post as the crowd begins to cheer for him. He starts for the fourth and last ring post as Bull comes up with a low blow sending Icon to his knees. Bull slowly gets to his feet and touches the ring post smiling, as he goes for the fourth.))
Travis: This match will be all over in a few minutes...And then my sweet, deadly Malice will be out here...
David: You need help Travis...
Travis: What? I like the way she is now...She's still sweet...
David: Yeah I'm sure...
((Bull bends down and gets a few punches in, before the ref can see making Icon flinch with every hit to the ribs. He gets up and touches the last ring post, as the bell sounds. He undoes the leather strap as his music begins to play. The ref lifts his hand and Natasha climbs in the ring.))
Jean Fortello: Here is your winner Bull!
Travis: I win! I win!
David: I really don't know what to do with you Travis!
Travis: Whatever do you mean Davey?
David: I wonder...We'll be back after this folks...
((Reckoning Day hits on the PA and Jeff Wylde and Amy Jensen emerge onto the ramp. Amy is thrashing in time to the music and Jeff raises his arms over his head, the Intercontinental title belt in one hand. The two head to the ring and Amy mounts a turnbuckle while Jeff walks to the middle of the ring and again raises the title belt over his head. As the music dies down he asks for a mic and Amy jumps off the turnbuckle.))
Jeff: Now, I know a few weeks you all saw Sephiroth du Lac just hand me the Intercontinental title. No match, just Seph dropping the belt and allowing himself to get counted out and loose the match and the title. But not for the reasons he said. You see, Seph stood here and said that he knew that I couldn't beat him and that I would have to live with the fact that I never beat him for the title, but of course that is a load of crap!
((Jeff pauses for a moment as he paces trying to calm down.))
You see, the real reason Seph laid this belt down at my feet is because he knew that I was prepared for him. He knew that I was ready for any tricks he might pull and that after what happened at Unchained that he had two chances of remaining not only the Intercontinental champion, but remaining out of traction as well, slim and none. See because after everything that has gone down between Bad News and the Darkside, I was prepared to make sure it wasn't Sothren I was fighting, I was prepared to make sure that the rest of the Darkside didn't come down to beat up on me, I was prepared for any type of screwjob that the Darkside would try to pull on me. And Seph knew that, that's why he handed me the title. Not that it would have made any difference if he and I had actually wrestled a match. The result would have been the same.
((Pauses again taking a moment to look at his Intercontinental belt before he continues.))
But by the same token I want to thank you Seph. Because of you being too much of a chickenshit to defend your title against me, I can now say that I have held a title in every company I've ever been in. And it's all thanks to the fact that you knew that in a fair fight you couldn't beat me. And Seph, just so you know, to clear up any misconceptions you might have. Technically, I did beat you. Go take a look in the record books, where it says "Jeff Wylde defeated Sephiroth du Lac by countout to win the Intercontinental title". I may have won by countout, but the fact is I won, you lost. That's another loss on your record Seph, not on mine. Some may call it a cheap win, but when it comes to you and your brood, I'll take any win I can get, just like you do. Of course, unlike you, I don't need all of my friends to help me win.
((Leans against the ropes over looking the entrance ramp.))
Now I know there's probably a lot of people back in the locker room looking at me saying, "Well sure you're the IC champ Jeff, but you didn't actually win the title in a match. You're just a paper champion." and to those idiots, I say prove it! As of right now I'm issuing an open challenge to anyone in the back except a member of the Darkside to meet me any time any where. The reason I excluded the Darkside is simple. I don't know about you people but I am sick and tired of seeing Bad News versus the Darkside every week. It's getting boring if you ask me. And there are other people in this company I would rather spend my time fighting. So to anyone back there who thinks they've got what it takes to prove me wrong, I say bring it on. Anyone at all. I'm not a hard man to find.
((Reckoning Day starts back up as Jeff drops the mic and he and Amy leave the ring and return to the back.))
Croquet Mallet Match
Malice vs I2K
Travis: Here we go!
Jean Fortello: The following is a Croquet Mallet Match....... To the ring...
David: What is a Croquet Mallet Match anyways?
Travis: You are really brainless David! It's like a paddle on the pole match except this match favors Malice weapon of choise.
((Suddenly "Limp Bizkit: Take a Look Around" hits and the words: "Are you ready for I2K?" appear on the video screen. Blue spotlights search the arena and smoke fills the entrance ramp.))
Jean Fortello: Weighing in at 222 lbs...... The Hall of Famer...... I2K!!!
David: It's good to see I2K returning to the ring.
Travis: Kiss up!
((I2K appears on the entrance ramp with his head down. He looks up and walks to the ring. He climbs up onto the ring apron and does a flip over the top rope into the ring. Take a Look Around fades being replaced by Theme from American McGee's Alice.))
Jean Fortello: From Toyko Japan weighing in at 135 lbs......... MALICE!!!
Travis: YES Finally someone worth watching.
David: To you the only ones with breasts are worth watching.
Travid: What's your point?
((The lights go as red spiral lights appear on the stage. The theme from American McGee's Alice plays as Malice appears on the entrance stage. She makes her way to the ring in a trance like stare ignoring the crowds around her. She steps in the ring and faces her opponent. The bell rings to start the match as the two just stare each other down at first. I2K Looks over his shoulder at the mallet on the pole when Malice grabs him and whips him into the ropes. I2K Stops short and kicks Malice in the face. I2K picks her up over his head before droping her down on the ropes.))
David: No ring rust there Travis.
Travis: That may be true but Malice has brought down men bigger then him lately.
((I2K turns to get the mallet to end the match already when his leg is grabbed by the out stretched hand of Malice. I2K turns back to her and pulls her into a suplex but Malice counters by slipping back behind him. Malice gives him a neck breaker before he can act. Once down Malice hits the ropes and comes back with a rolling thunder, but before she can get the move off I2K rolls out of the ring.))
David: Smart move by I2K leaving Malice coming up empty.
Travis: I hope she's okay.
David: It's Malice she can take care of her self Travis.
((I2K climbs up the turnbuckle from the out side, leaping off he hits a 450 splash to Malice but at the last second she gets her knees up. I2K rolls over holding his stomach in pain. Malice starts to get to her feet and I2K knows he has to stop her. Getting to his feet he hits a low spear to Malice taking her out by the knees. I2K gets to his feet still holding his stomach and starts to kick Malice in the head. between kicks Malice hits him with a low blow leaving him to stagger away in pain.))
David: Ooo most painful move there is, I don't care what anyone says.
Travis: Looks like no more little I2K's.
((Malice goes at him with a cross body block from behind sending I2K to the mat. Malice gets up and pulls I2K up with her and starts to tie him up in the ropes. With his free arm I2K grabs Malice and flips her over the top rope sending her tumbling to the floor below. Freeing him self I2K looks at the mallet knowing it's no longer about winner but teaching Malice a lesson. I2K slides out of the ring and pulls Malice to her feet. Malice battles back with a few lefts and rights to I2K. I2K staggers a bit but hits her with a clothesline sending her back to the floor.))
David: I2K is wasting precious time with Malice.
Travis: I have half a mind to go over there and give I2K a piece of my mind!
David: Yea while your doing that you will have no mind left then he will rip off your arms and beat you with them.
((I2K slides back into the ring for a second to break the count before heading back out. He failed to see that Malice is already back to her feet and I2K is grabbed by her getting his face smashed into the mat over and over before I2K shoves his elbow into her gut and then grabs her head giving her the same. After a few times he whips her into the guard railing. Malice falls to her knees holding her back.))
David: What's this?
Travis: Not him again, when will he learn this is not his fight?
((Panthro comes running down the ramp and toward I2K. I2K sees him coming and takes a swing at him but missing when Panthro jumps up on the guard rail and comes off hitting him with a missle drop kick. Panthro pulls I2K into a head lock cutting off his intake of air. Malice starts to get to her feet and sees Panthro kneeling over I2K. Malice comes over and kicks Panthro in the face before pulling I2K to his feet and rolling into the ring and follows him.))
David: Looks like Malice doesn't want Panthro's help here.
Travis: Good I still have a chance.
David: Yea I have no doubt that she wants you part of her tea party.
Travis: I like parties, even tea parties.
((Malice pulls I2K to the middle of the ring and stomps a bit on his mid section making sure he stays down. Malice heads to the corner and climbs up the ring post. Malice leaps off hitting a moonsault finding no one there, I2K having rolled out of the way. I2K leaps to his feet and grabs Malice hitting the Death DDT. He spits on the fallen body of Malice before turning to the pole with the mallet.))
Travis: He can't do that!
David: He's getting what's coming to him now.
Travis: No this will wreck everything!
((As I2K turns to the pole he finds Panthro climbed up the turn buckle by the pole. Panthro looks pissed and grabs the mallet keeping I2K from winning. The bell rings as the match is thrown out. Panthro leaps off at I2K swinging the mallet clocking him in the head hard with it. I2K crumbles to the mat his head busted open. Panthro doesn't stop there as he rolls to his feet Panthro slams the mallet into I2K's ribs a few times before dropping the mallet and turning to help Malice.))
David: I2K is hurt bad someone get a medic over here.
Travis: Forget him what about my Malice!
((Panthro moves Malice over to the edge of the ring and slides out. He then takes Malice into his arms and heads up the ramp watching I2K making sure he don't come back. Standing atop the entrance ramp Malice comes around and sees Panthro. Malice punches him in the nose before pulling him into a DDT sending him face first on the metal of the ramp. Malice smiles eerie like and raises her hands before turning and leaving.))
David: Like I said Malice can handle herself.
Travis: Yea but she would never do something like that to me. I'm above these Jobbers.
David: Say that to HER. You saw what she did to Panthro!
Travis: Oh.
David: Another night of Travis's "intelligent" commentary. For Travis Best, I'm David Tanjic. Goodnight, everybody!